Live Well, Part 1

John Dunlop, MD

What are the good aspects of growing older?

What purposes can my life have when I am older?

How do I build deeper friendships?

Are there steps I can take to assure better health?

What things detract from finishing life well?

Finishing life well is living well—right up to the end. Sure, we will always be aware that somewhere out there death is looming, but life is not fundamentally about dying, it is about living.

As a gerontologist, I have many patients who come to the office for a physical exam prior to retirement. I frequently inquire as to their plans and ask them if I can share two rules for retirement. I have never been refused. They are simple:

Rule 1: Wake up every morning knowing what you are going to do that day.

Rule 2: Go to bed every night knowing that you helped someone.

If we think that retirement is a time to sit around and do whatever we please, or if we think that the time has finally come for us to focus on ourselves, we will be miserable and make life so for everyone around us. Ignoring these two rules can lead to depression and even to an early death. Without any meaningful reasons to live, we may experience what commentator Paul Harvey quipped: “Retirement is just practicing up to be dead.”1 While this appears to be true for some people, it is not so for all.

At age ninety-five, Carrie was certainly not “practicing up to be dead.” She was one of many delightful elderly women I have been privileged to know. After being independent for twenty years following her husband’s death, her family thought it wise for her to give up driving and move out of her home of seventy years to an assisted-living facility. I asked how she felt about all of these changes. Her response was, “I hated giving up visiting the old people at the old folk’s home.”

Fred was almost the opposite. Though he too was ninety-five, he did not have Carrie’s attitude. Sitting in his nursing home bed, he responded to my encouragement by saying, “What’s the use? I’m ready to die.” I reminded him that there were only two kinds of people: those who are living and those who are dead. I told him, “Unless you are dead, you are still living, so let’s get on with it. If you are to come to the end of your life well, it will be much more about how you lived these days than how you died.” He had a change of heart and was able to live out his days contentedly at home with his wife and loved ones.

Prescriptions for Finishing Life Well

In this chapter we are not going to focus on the problems of the end of life but rather on the opportunities it offers. To do this I offer the following prescriptions:

1. Recognize your God-given value.

2. Find purpose for each day.

3. Cultivate and maintain deep friendships.

4. Laugh a lot.

5. Invest in your health.

6. Avoid the things that rob quality from the older years.

Unfortunately, we don’t naturally follow these guidelines. To do so requires deliberate planning.

Recognize Your God-Given Value

My friend in the nursing home had no motivation to get up and get going because he failed to appreciate his value.

In our youth-oriented culture, aging is feared, something to be put off as long as possible. It has been said: “Everyone wants to live a long time, but no one wants to grow old.” Our culture values youth, physical beauty, and athletic prowess but does not place much value on the elderly. As persons grow old, they become less like what society most esteems.

Contrast this view of the elderly with that of Scripture. A classic passage is in Leviticus: “You shall stand up before the gray head and honor the face of an old man, and you shall fear your God: I am the LORD” (Lev. 19:32). This strong statement affirms that as we honor the elderly, we are showing reverence for God. Appreciate the significance of this statement: “Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life” (Prov. 16:31).

In an insightful book, Growing Old in Christ, Richard and Judith Hays summarize well the biblical view of the elderly:

Nowhere in the biblical canon are they pitied, patronized, or treated with condescension. Nowhere is growing old itself described as a problem. Nowhere are elders described as pitiable, irrelevant, or behind the curve, as inactive or unproductive. Nowhere are they, as in so many Western dramas and narratives, lampooned as comic figures.

It’s crucial that we cling to the biblical, not the contemporary, view of the elderly. If we do otherwise, we may compromise our own future. If in your younger years you feel that life for the elderly is of little value, chances are you will devalue your own life as you get older. I’ve seen ads for senior living facilities showing a group out on the ski slopes. There’s nothing wrong with such a vigorous picture of life at that age—unless it forces the elderly to deny who they really are and pretend to be something they are not. Our culture’s failure to value the aged is pervasive; I have found myself unthinkingly caught up in it. In years gone by I would congratulate ninety-year-olds for appearing to be only sixty. They would always smile and accept it as a compliment. Then, when I came to realize that by doing so I was implying there was something wrong with being (and looking) ninety, I stopped saying such things.

Rather than deprecating age, we ought to recognize the benefits of growing older, seeing old age as being chronologically gifted rather than chronologically challenged. Wisdom is one of those benefits: “Wisdom is with the aged, and understanding in length of days” (Job 12:12). Granted, young people can be wise and older ones can be foolish. But Scripture validates a certain kind of wisdom that only comes through years of experience. Wisdom is not the same as knowledge. Knowledge is an accumulation of facts. Wisdom is the ability to use well the knowledge we have. It includes the ability to set priorities, to assess value, and to see things in larger perspective. If we want knowledge in today’s world, we can surf the Internet, but unfortunately that does not buy us wisdom.

Whether we are young, middle-aged, or elderly ourselves, we need to affirm the value of the elderly.

Find Purpose for Each Day

Those who trust in God should never view any season of life as unproductive, even the last stage. So, wrote the psalmist:

The righteous flourish like the palm tree

and grow like a cedar in Lebanon.

They are planted in the house of the LORD;

they flourish in the courts of our God.

They still bear fruit in old age;

they are ever full of sap and green. (Ps. 92:12-14)

In this passage the godly are characterized by endless vigor. The older years are a time for accomplishment, not a time to sit back and relax. They are an opportunity to do spiritual work. The adage “carpe diem” (sieze the day) pertains to all ages. Remember my second rule for retirement: “Go to bed every night knowing that you helped someone.” God has a purpose for you to fulfill each day of your life. As we age, however, his purpose for us will undoubtedly change. I may not be serving at my office, giving lectures, or writing books. I may be less involved in things that require physical strength and more committed to quieter activities like praying and encouraging others. Those activities may be more important in God’s eternal kingdom than the things I am currently doing. As members of Christ’s church we are to be involved in its mission. As part of the body of Christ we are to do his work in the world. That does not mean we need to continue to work at our vocation or even that we have a paying job. None of the Bible’s commands that tell us to serve are age specific. We read about all believers having spiritual gifts.3 That surely includes the elderly.

Consider how the apostle Paul viewed his life:

For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again. (Phil. 1:21-26)

Facing execution at the hands of Nero, Paul had no idea how long he would live. He wrestled with a basic quandary: was he to hope to go on living, or should he hope to die soon and go to be with his Lord? He chose to hope to go on living because he saw purpose in doing so. His remaining days would be spent encouraging the Philippian Christians in their spiritual walk.

Paul displayed the same attitude in 1 Corinthians 15 where he wrote concerning the resurrection of the body. He longed for this new body which he would have in heaven, freed from the constraints of his deteriorating physical health and strength. He described in glowing terms the resurrection that lay ahead for believers. Yet he did not conclude that we should idle away our lives dreaming of this glorious future. Instead, he challenged, “Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain” (1 Cor. 15:58).

The apostle Paul laid down the same challenge, even when writing to people who were suffering. To them he wrote: “Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good” ( 1 Pet. 4:19). Realizing that their suffering was not an accident but according to God’s will, they were to put themselves in God’s hands and through their suffering learn more about his faithfulness. In addition, they were to “continue to do good”! That life was tough did not excuse them from being out on the front lines serving the Lord.

Joni Eareckson Tada, herself paralyzed, has helped others see that no matter how desperate our situation, we must find some purpose in continuing to live. She spoke by telephone to a young woman who was severely debilitated and confined to bed: “What purpose can I possibly have?” the young woman asked Joni. Without hesitation, Joni answered. Having found that the young woman knew many Scriptures by memory, Joni suggested she could quote passages of the Bible to others. “You can encourage those who visit you or those you speak to on the phone…Besides this,” Tada continued, “you can offer others an opportunity to serve and encourage you.”4

I am often asked to speak to groups of younger Christians about the issues of aging. I frequently ask those in the audience who had been significantly impacted in their spiritual lives by a grandparent or another senior to raise their hands. I am always impressed with how many hands go up. I remember my own grandmother repeatedly reminding me of one verse from the Old Testament: “For those who honor me I will honor…” (1 Sam. 2:30).

The Bible is replete with illustrations of seniors making significant contributions, some very near the end of their lives. At age eighty, Moses led the people of Israel from Egypt to the Promised Land. Then there were Abraham and Sarah who, well past the reproductive years, gave birth to their son Isaac. King David made preparations for Solomon to build the temple just prior to his death. Elizabeth, married to an aging Zacharias, gave birth to John the Baptist. Anna and Simeon were at the temple to welcome the predicted Messiah. The apostle John received the Revelation of Jesus Christ when he was over ninety years old.

Perhaps the greatest example of doing good as the end of life approaches is that of our Lord Jesus himself. In the last days of his life he met with his disciples, served them by washing their feet, and instituted the Lord’s Supper. In the garden he healed the ear of the High Priest’s servant. From the cross he provided for his mother and offered forgiveness to his assailants. Jesus was not focused on his own suffering but considered the needs of others.

Unfortunately, as motivated as some people are to continue to serve others in their later years, they are simply unable to do much. For physical, mental, emotional, or even spiritual reasons, many are limited. When we encounter others facing such limitations, we who are active and involved should be slow to criticize. What is important is that they are serving to the limit of their capabilities. They may be expending more of their maximal capacity than others who seem to accomplish much more.

For as long as God gives us life and abilities, he has a purpose for us to fulfill each day. It is simply our job to find it and to make sure that we are living for Christ and his kingdom.

Cultivate and Maintain Deep Friendships

In younger days we may value activity more than relationships. What we have done, what we are presently doing, and what we intend to do will often define our identity and reflect our values. As we age, we tend to value these activities less and our relationships more. I was impressed that as my dad got older, he talked less about his accomplishments and more about his children, his wife, and his friends. By doing so, he was demonstrating a much wiser and perhaps more biblical value system. After all, as one of my good friends frequently remarks, “People are the only things on earth that God will take to heaven.”

Family is often the main source of satisfying relationships. As we age, we must take particular care to nurture close loving relationships with our family. The adage “Be nice to your kids for they will choose your nursing home” has a grain of truth in it. But far beyond the benefits to you will be the legacy that you can leave your children and grandchildren. Nevertheless, family relationships are not enough. We need to cultivate deep friendships within our peer group. Studies have documented a mortality benefit for seniors who maintain deep friendships.5 I love to see a group of four men (all of whom are my patients) meeting daily for coffee at the local McDonald’s “solving the problems of the world.” It is not wise for couples to do all of their socializing with themselves or with other couples. When one of them is gone, the survivor needs an established support group.

Christians should build their friendships on the biblical idea of fellowship (often translated from the Greek word koinonia in the New Testament), which presents a picture of meaningful interdependence and involvement in the lives of one another. Paul is explicit in what he meant by this when he wrote to the Galatians: “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:2). Note this is a command, not a suggestion.

For believers, much of this deep fellowship should take place in small groups within a church. Many churches have groups that help promote fellowship specifically among seniors. If your church does not have this type of group, you may want to consider starting one. You may also choose to develop deep friendships with those who are not Christians.

Bible studies for seniors abound. These are splendid ways not only to provide a social outlet but also to encourage the saints in their walks with the Lord. I am impressed every Sunday night when I talk to my eighty-nine-year old mother about how she is preparing for her Bible study the next morning, which she attends with other residents of her retirement community. I often meet friends for breakfast at a restaurant near the hospital where I start my workday. Two mornings a week I see a group of seniors from the community gather there for a time of Bible study. Some of the group leaders are seniors themselves, but others are younger people. They are all doing a great service.

As I observe my older friends, I also see the necessity of developing friendships across generational lines. Younger people need the wisdom and support of the elderly, and the elderly need the energy and opportunity to serve the younger. I do not believe that the trend in many churches to isolate the elderly to their own peer group is healthy. The psalmist agreed:

Young men and maidens together,

old men and children!

Let them praise the name of the LORD,

for his name alone is exalted;

his majesty is above earth and heaven. (Ps. 148:12-13)

Our church puts a great emphasis on small groups. Most of them include people of similar age. However, at least once a quarter we have a social activity that crosses all generational boundaries. That is good.

Relationships contribute a lot to the quality of our lives in the later years. We need to keep that in mind when we have to face difficult choices in our later years. These include our living situation and how we spend our time. We must choose our friendships carefully and cultivate them well.

Notes:

1. Paul Harvey, as quoted in Richard Corliss, “Paul Harvey,” Time, March 16, 2009, 22.

2. Richard B. Hays and Judith C. Hays, “The Christian Practice of Growing Old: The Witness of Scripture” in Growing Old in Christ, ed. Stanley Hauerwas, Carole Bailey Stoneking, Keith G. Meador, and David Cloutier (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 2003), 11.

3. “All these are empowered by one and the same Spirit, who apportions to each one individually as he wills” (1 Cor. 12:11); “But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ’s gift” (Eph. 4:7).

4. Joni Eareckson Tada, “The Quest for Control,” lecture given at the Center for Bioethics and Human Dignity annual conference, The Reproductive Revolution, July 1998, Trinity Evangelical Divinity School.

5. Edward P. Sabin, “Social Relationships and Mortality among the Elderly,”Journal of Applied Gerontology 12, no. 1 (1993): 44—60.

Content taken from Finishing Well to the Glory of God by John Dunlop, MD, ©2011. Used by permission of Crossway, www.crossway.org.